Rev. Rachel Warner, MN Conference

One of the keys to the work of chaplaincy, the ministry to which I have been called in this season, is to learn how to receive and hold the pain, anxiety, grief, anger, doubts, and frustrations of others – without internalizing them. Now that I have been doing this work for several years and alongside so many skilled chaplains, I sometimes wonder if anyone ever masters this completely. Perhaps that’s why we refer to our work as a practice. Every day we show up, and every day we practice being fully present to others with compassion and connection. And every day we go home and practice releasing what is not ours to carry.

Showing up for others, as a chaplain or a pastor, as family, friend, or neighbor, is a practice that requires discipline in tending to one’s own mental health. Showing up for others can trigger all sorts of internal stuff - resonance, turmoil, personal pain, imposter syndrome. Listening deeply to what troubles another person and sitting with hurt that cannot be fixed is holy, heavy work. We cannot do it well when we are swirling in our own untended mental, emotional, and spiritual needs.

I have had the privilege of building connections with so many dear human beings, being invited into their tender moments, their fears and wonderings, their faith, and their doubts. A few years ago, I accompanied a couple through the journey of one spouse’s dementia, from the early stages of confusion to the move into a memory unit in assisted living, to hospice, and end of life. I was in the room one morning when agitation and confusion resulted in this kind and gentle person erupting with angry outbursts and loud, confused wailing for help. I found myself in this uncomfortable space, with family and caregivers, caught in my own grief and anxiety. The moment hit too close to home. It struck the nerve of my deep fears for someone I love in my own family, and I felt myself internally collapsing. I had to excuse myself, step outside into the cold air, and give my nervous system a chance to reboot.

Then I went back in and did my job. And when the work day was finished, I made a call for a therapy appointment. I reached out for a debrief with my supervisor. I went for a walk. These are not fancy interventions, but they are the simple routines that have helped me to keep on showing up in a world where the heaviness is impossible, where everything in me so often wants to shut down or run away. I share them with you, not because you don’t already know them, but because so often I need someone who cares about me to remind me:

Therapy is good practice.

Movement is medicine. So are food, sleep, and…medicine.

Sometimes the answer is no.

We all need a reboot sometimes.

These routines work better, in my experience, when observed regularly rather than called upon only in moments of distress. Therapy helps me know myself better, which helps me show up better for others. Movement, eating well, sleeping, and managing my medications are all part of maintaining a healthy baseline. I’ve learned to say no when I need to because I cannot expect others to respect my boundaries if I don’t honor them myself. I reboot regularly when I feel anxiety creeping up or sleeplessness becoming a pattern.

A few ways I help my system regulate include:

• taking a slow walk
• leaning against a wall while breathing
• washing my hands in cold water

Finally, I am so grateful to live in a world with so many artists and poets and theologians and philosophers who remind me that I am not alone, who put words and music and image and form to our shared humanity. Right now, when I am taking time to tend to my mental health, my go-tos are the poetry and art of Morgan Harper Nichols and Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens podcast.

Thanks be to God for the gifts of human connection and words and art and walks among the trees.

Rev. Rachael Warner is an ordained elder in the Minnesota Annual Conference, currently appointed to extension ministry as the Director of Spiritual Health at Lifespark, a complete senior health company. In the mornings and evenings, she is the private chauffeur to two busy teenagers and their friends.